At New York’s Kennedy airport today, an individual later discovered to be a public school teacher was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a setsquare, a slide rule, and a calculator.

At a morning press conference, Attorney general John Ashcroft said he believes the man is a member of the notorious al-gebra movement. He is being charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.

“Al-gebra is a fearsome cult,”, Ashcroft said. “They desire average solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in a search of absolute value. They use secret code names like “x” and “y” and refer to themselves as “unknowns”, but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country.

“As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, there are 3 sides to every triangle,” Ashcroft declared.

When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, “If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes.

“I am gratified that our government has given us a sine that it is intent on protracting us from these math-dogs who are willing to disintegrate us with calculus disregard. Murky statisticians love to inflict plane on every sphere of influence,” the President said, adding: “Under the circumferences, we must differentiate their root, make our point, and draw the line.”

President Bush warned, “These weapons of math instruction have the potential to decimal everything in their math on a scalene never before seen unless we become exponents of a Higher Power and begin to factor-in random facts of vertex.”

Attorney General Ashcroft said, “As our Great Leader would say, read my ellipse. Here is one principle he is uncertainty of: though they continue to multiply, their days are numbered as the hypotenuse tightens around their necks.”

Pidgin English

There are many twists and even more turns in our native language.

Are you confused by all the acronyms that many businesses and the military use? Well, you are not alone and there are new ones added every day. But it is no wonder. Let’s face it, English is an unusual language.

There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neither apple or pine in pineapple. English muffins weren’t invented in England nor French fries in France. Sweet-meats are candies while sweet­breads, which aren’t sweet, by the way, are meat.

In considering some recent comments from an acquaintance of mine, I find we take English for granted. If we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig. Don’t even ask about a butterfly!

And … why is it that writers write but fingers don’t fing, grocers don’t groce and hammers don’t ham? Generators may generate, and alternators may alternate, but pistons don’t … well, they just don’t.

If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn’t the plural of booth beeth? One goose, two geese. So why not two meece? One house but two mice? One goof, two goofs, but one hoof and two hooves? One index, and two in­dices? One dear and two dears, but one deer and two deer! Doesn’t it seem strange that you can make amends but not one amend, that you comb through annals of his­tory but not a single annal?

If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it? And since we can’t see it, how do we know time flies? If teachers taught, why don’t preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? If you wrote a letter, perhaps you might bote your tongue?

Sometimes I think all the Eng­lish speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally in­sane. In what language do you recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell? Park on driveways and drive on parkways? Have paper­clips that aren’t paper at all? Have bookkeepers to do accounting, and librarians to keep books?

Have hot water heaters instead of cold water heaters? Have nightfalls but daybreaks? How can a slim chance and a fat chance mean the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? And what’s with flammable and in­flammable? How can overlook and oversee be so different, while quite a lot and quite a few are so much alike? How can the weather be hot as hell one day and cold as hell another? And why do people use “irregardless” when it isn’t even a word at all?

Have you ever noticed that we talk about certain things only when they are absent? Have you ever seen a horsefull carriage or a strapfull gown? Met a sung hero or experienced requited love?

Have you ever run into someone who was combobulated, gruntled, ruly or peccable? And where are all those people who are spring chickens, or who actually would hurt a fly?

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which our house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill out a form by filling it in, and in which an alarm clock goes off by going on.

English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race (which, of course is not a race at all). That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are in­visible. And why, when I wind up my watch, I start it, but when I wind up this article, I end it.

1. Grab a calculator (you can’t do this in your head!)

2. Key in the first three digits of your phone number (NOT area code)

3. Multiple by 80

4. Add 1

5. Multiply by 250

6. Add the last four digits of your phone number

7. Add the last four digits of your phone number again

8. Subtract _250

_ 9. Divide by 2

_Now_ do you recognize the number…???

Bill Gates recently gave a speech at a High School about 11 things
they did not and will not learn in school. He talks about how feel-good,
politically correct teachings created a generation of kids with no
concept of reality and how this concept set them up for failure in the
real world.

TO: Mt. Whitney High School    Visalia, California

Rule 1: Life is not fair – get used to it!

Rule 2: The world won’t care about your self-esteem. The world will
expect you to accomplish something BEFORE you feel good about yourself.

Rule 3: You will NOT make $60,000 a year right out of high school. You
won’t be a vice-be president with a car phone until you earn both.

Rule 4: If you think your teacher is tough, wait till you get a boss.

Rule 5: Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your Grandparents
had a different word for burger flipping – they called it opportunity.

Rule 6: If you mess up, it’s not your parents’ fault, so don’t whine
about your mistakes, learn from them.

Rule 7: Before you were born, your parents weren’t as boring as they are
now. They got that way from paying your bills, cleaning your clothes and
listening to you talk about how cool you thought you were. So before you
save the rain forest from the parasites of your parent’s generation, try
delousing the closet in your own room.

Rule 8: Your school may have done away with winners and losers, but life
HAS NOT. In some schools they have abolished failing grades and they’ll
give you as MANY TIMES as you want to get the right answer. This doesn’t
bear the slightest resemblance to ANYTHING in real life.

Rule 9: Life is not divided into semesters. You don’t get summers off
and very few employers are interested in helping you FIND YOURSELF. Do
that on your own time.

Rule 10: Television is NOT real life. In real life people actually have
to leave the coffee shop and go to jobs.

Rule 11: Be nice to nerds. Chances are you’ll end up working for one.

REASONS WHY THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE IS HARD TO LEARN

1)   The bandage was wound around the wound.

2)   The farm was used to produce produce.

3)   The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.

4)   We must polish the Polish furniture.

5)   He could lead if he would get the lead out.

6)   The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.

7)   Since there is no time live like present, he thought it was time to present the present.

8)   A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.

9)   When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

10)   I did not object to the object.

11)   The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

12)   There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.

13)   They were too close to the door to close  it.

14)   The buck does funny things when the does are present.

15)   Seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.

16)   To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

17)   The wind was too strong to wind the sail.

18)   After a number of injections my jaw got number.

19)   Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.

20)   I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

21)   How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

Scott Adams: The Consultant of the future?

This is a true story. Recently, Scott Adams (of Dilbert fame) pulled off a hoax by successfully posing as an organization consultant to a team of senior leaders at Logitech. He was brought in by Logitech’s vice chairman (a confederate) ostensibly to help the leadership team define a new mission statement for their New Ventures Group. Calling himself “Ray Mebert” and disguised in a wig and fake mustache, Adams told the group that his consulting experience included working on Procter and Gamble’s “Taste Bright Project” a hush-hush effort to increase the company’s sales by improving the taste of soap.

Prior to contact with Adams, the original mission statement of the group was “to provide Logitech with profitable growth and related new business areas.” Adams eschewed this statement and worked with the leaders to develop the following mission statement: “The New Venture Mission is to scout profitable growth opportunities in relationships, both internally and externally, in emerging, mission inclusive markets, and explore new paradigms and then filter and communicate and evangelize the findings.” At the end of the session Adams revealed his true identity as the Dilbert cartoonist (ABCNEWS.com, 1997).

So there you have it—Dilbert, Dogbert, Catbert, Ratbert and now Mebert. Seriously, I myself was outraged by the hoax. Sure, on the surface it seems funny, but when you stop to think about it it’s a pretty scathing indictment of the perceived utility of most consultants. It reminds me of the Hans Christian Andersen story about the emperor with no clothes.