Reasons why the English Language is Hard to Learn

The bandage was wound around the wound.

The farm was used to produce produce.

The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.

We must polish the Polish furniture.

He could lead if he would get the lead out.

The Soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.

Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.

A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.

When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

I did not object to the object.

The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.

They were too close to the door to close it.

The buck does funny things when the does are present.

A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.

To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

The wind was too strong to wind the sail.

After a number of injections my jaw got number.

Upon seeing the tear in the paintin₉ I shed a tear.

I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

The Evolution of Math Teaching

Teaching Math in 1950: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit?

Teaching Math in 1960: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?

Teaching Math in 1970: A logger exchanges a set “L” of lumber for a set “M” of money. The cardinality of set “M” is 100. Each element is worth one dollar. Make 100 dots representing the elements of the set “M.” The set “C”, the cost of production contains 20 fewer points than set “M.” Represent the set “C” as a subset of set “M” and answer the following question: What is the cardinality of the set “P” of profits?

Teaching Math in 1980: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20.

Teaching Math in 1990: By cutting down beautiful forest trees, the logger makes $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the forest birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down the trees? There are no wrong answers.

Teaching Math in 2002: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $120. How does Arthur Andersen determine that his profit margin is $60

Math Terms

1. Ratio of an igloo’s circumference to its diameter = Eskimo Pi

2. 2000 pounds of Chinese soup = Won ton

3. 1 millionth of mouthwash = 1 microscope

4. Time between slipping on a peel and smackin the pavement = 1
bananosecond

5. Weight an evangelist carries with God = 1 billygram

6. Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour =
Knotfurlong

7. 16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone = 1 Rod Serling

8. Half of a large intestine = 1 semicolon

9. 1,000,000 aches = 1 megahurtz

10. Basic unit of laryngitis = 1 hoarsepower

11. Shortest distance between two jokes = A straight line

12. 453.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake

13. 1 million-million microphones = 1 megaphone

14. 2 million bicycles = 2 megacycles

15. 365.25 days = 1 unicycle

17. 52 cards = 1 decacards

18. 1 kilogram of falling figs = 1 FigNewton

19. 1000 milliliters of wet socks = 1 literhosen

20. 1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfiche

21. 1 trillion pins = 1 terrapin

22. 10 rations = 1 decaration

23. 100 rations = 1 C-ration

24. 2 monograms = 1 diagram

25. 4 nickels = 2 paradigms

26. 2.4 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University
Hospital = 1 IV League

Jeff Foxworthy’s Take On Teachers
HOW DO YOU KNOW YOU ARE A TEACHER ?

1. You can hear 25 voices behind you and know exactly which one belongs to the child out of line.

   2. You get a secret thrill out of laminating something.

   3. You walk into a store and hear the words “It’s Ms/Mr. _________” and know you have been spotted.

   4. You have 25 people that accidentally call you Mom/Dad at one time or another.

   5. You can eat a multi-course meal in under twenty-five minutes.

   6. You’ve trained yourself to go to the bathroom at two distinct times of the day: lunch and prep period .

   7. You start saving other people’s trash, because most likely, you can use that toilet paper tube or plastic butter tub for something in the classroom.

   8. You want to slap the next person who says “Must be nice to work
   7 to 3 and have summers off.”

   9. You believe chocolate is a food group.

   10. You can tell if it’s a full moon without ever looking outside.

   11. You believe that unspeakable evils will befall you if anyone says “Boy, the kids sure are mellow today.”

   12. You feel the urge to talk to strange children and correct their behavior when you are out in public.

   13. You think caffeine should be available in intravenous form.

   14. You spend more money on school stuff than you do on your own children.

   15. You can’t pass the school supply aisle without getting at least five items!

   16. You ask your friends if the left hand turn he just made was a “good choice or a bad choice.”

   17. You find true beauty in a can full of perfectly sharpened pencils.

   18. You are secretly addicted to hand sanitizer

19.You believe in aerial spraying of Ritalin.

20. You believe the teachers’ lounge should be equipped with a margarita machine.

And Finally,

21. You understand instantaneously why a child behaves a certain way after meeting his or             her parents.

Dear _____,My grade in ____ should be raised from _____ to ____ because:

1. There must be a mistake somewhere.

2. I was not well at the time of the examination.

3. My mind always goes blank during an examination.

4. This mark ruined my prospect of getting a scholarship.

5. This is the only course in which I received a poor grade.

6. This mark grieved my mother (or father), whose pride I am.

7. Conditions in the room were not conductive to concentration.

8. The examination was unfair and unfairly distributed over the subject.

9. I have to work after school and nights, therefore I should be given a break.

10. I am married, therefore, I should be given a break.

11. I would have done much better if I had taken the examination given to one of the other sections.

12. Several people around me copied from my paper during the examination yet they received higher marks than I did. Surely this is not fair.

13. The reason I did not do better is because I am very honest. I do not wish to say anything against any other members of the class.

14. I know many of the class members who do not work as hard as I do an who got a better grade. I am recognized among my classmates as a good student – you just ask any one of them.

15. The questions were ambiguous, and therefore, my answers should be graded according to the reasonable interpretations that I made of your questions.

16. Many of the questions could not be answered with straight facts; they were matters of opinion. I do not believe I should be penalized just because my opinions differ from those of the instructor.

17. I have studied this subject from the broad philosophical viewpoint and therefore, I was unable to answer your technical-based questions.

18. I am philosophically oriented to the realm of ideas; I respond to the sweep and scope of great intellects. My work is beyond the interest
in petty details and parrot-like memorizing of those who are merely average students.

19. At the time of the exam, I was suffering from a severe case of cognitive dissonance and was incapable of coping with the stress of the hour.

20. It is not a higher mark I seek; I care nothing about marks.  I think marks are wicked and I disapprove of them. However, this pernicious system of which I am a victim requires marks for achieving success and therefore, I seek a higher mark.

Thank you,

Geometry Jokes

1. What do you call a man who spent all summer at the beach?
   Tangent
2. What do you say when you see an empty parrot cage?
   Polygon
3. What do you call a crushed angle?
   A Rectangle
4. What did the Italian say when when the witch doctor removed the curse?
   Hexagon
5. What did the little acorn say when he grew up?
   Geometry
6. What do you call an angle which is adorable?
   acute angle
7. What do you use to tie up a package?
   A Chord
8. What do you call a fierce beast?
   A Line
9. What do you call more than one L?
   A Parallel
10. What do you call people who are in favor of tractors?
    Protractors
11. What should you do when it rains?
    Coincide

Engineering Conversion Factors

Ratio of an igloo’s circumference to its diameter: Eskimo Pi

2000 pounds of Chinese soup: Won ton

1 millionth of a mouthwash: 1 microscope

Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement: 1bananosecond

Weight an evangelist carries with God: 1 billigram

Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour: Knot-furlong

364.25 days of drinking low-calorie beer because it’s less filling: 1 lite year

165 feet in the Twilight Zone: 1 Rod Serling

Half of a large intestine: 1 semicolon

1000 aches: 1 kilohurtz

Basic unit of laryngitis: 1 hoarsepower

Shortest distance between two jokes: A straight line (think about it for a moment)

453.6 graham crackers: 1 pound cake

1 million microphones: 1 megaphone

1 million bicycles: 2 megacycles

2000 mockingbirds: two kilomockingbirds (work on it….)

10 cards: 1 decacards

1 kilogram of falling figs: 1 Fig Newton

1000 cubic centimeters of wet socks: 1 literhosen

1 millionth of a fish: 1 microfiche

1 trillion pins: 1 terrapin

10 rations: 1 decoration

100 rations: 1 C-ration

2 monograms: 1 diagram

8 nickels: 2 paradigms

3 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital: 1 I.V. League

Economics made Easy

FEUDALISM:

You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.

TOTALITARIANISM:

You have two cows. The government takes them both and denies they ever existed and drafts you into the army. Milk is banned.

A CHRISTIAN DEMOCRAT:

You have two cows. You keep one and give one to your neighbor.

A SOCIALIST:

You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.

AN AMERICAN REPUBLICAN:

You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So what?

AN AMERICAN DEMOCRAT:

You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being successful. You vote people into office who tax your cows, forcing you to sell one to raise money to pay the tax. The people you voted for then take the tax money and buy a cow and give it to your neighbor. You feel righteous.

A COMMUNIST:

You have two cows. The government seizes both and provides you with milk.

A COMMUNIST: (another version)

You have two cows. Your neighbors help take care of them and you share the milk.

A FASCIST:

You have two cows. The government seizes both and sells you the milk. You join the underground and start a campaign of sabotage.

A FASCIST:  (another version)

You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them, and sells you the milk.

DEMOCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE:

You have two cows. The government taxes you to the point you have to sell both to support a man in a foreign country who has only one cow, which was a gift from your government.

CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE:

You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income.

BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE:

You have two cows. The government takes them both, shoots one, milks the other, pays you for the milk, then pours the milk down the drain.

ENRONISM:

You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly Listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that You get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six
cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more.

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION:

You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when the cow drops dead.

A FRENCH CORPORATION:

You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION:

You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create clever cow cartoon images called Cowkimon and market them World-Wide.

A GERMAN CORPORATION:

You have two cows. You reengineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

A BRITISH CORPORATION:

You have two cows. They are mad. They die. Pass the shepherd’s pie, please.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION:

You have two cows, but you don’t know where they are. You break for lunch.

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION:

You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 12 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

A SWISS CORPORATION:

You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you. You charge others for storing them.

A BRAZILIAN CORPORATION:

You have two cows. You enter into a partnership with an American corporation. Soon you have 1000 cows and the American corporation declares bankruptcy.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION:

You have two cows. You worship both of them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION:

You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported on them.

AN ISRAELI CORPORATION:

There are these two Jewish cows, right? They open a milk factory, an ice cream store, and then sell the movie rights. They send their calves to Harvard to become doctors. So, who needs people?

Algebra

1. I accidentally divided by zero and my paper burst into flames.

2. I couldn’t establish a connection with www.homework.com

3. It was cloudy all day and my calculator is solar powered.

4. I had a virus and my computer caught one too.

5. My compass only reads North, South, East and West so I couldn’t  finish my geometry.

6. I was watching the World Series and couldn’t determine whether it converged or not

7. I dug all around the yard but never found the square roots I needed.

8. I ate too much pi and went to bed with transcendental indigestion.

9. I couldn’t decide whether i is the square root of negative one or I am the square root of negative one.

10. I was exhausted from moving countless decimal point and raising complicated algebraic expressions to large powers.

11. My friends and I took the evening off to celebrate the solution of Fermat’s Last Theorem.

COMPUTER PROBLEM SELF-REPORT FORM

1. Describe your problem:  ______________________________

2. Now, describe your problem accurately: _________________

3. Speculate wildly about the cause of the problem: __________

4. Problem Severity:
5. Minor__     B. Minor__     C. Minor__     D. Trivial__

5. Nature of the problem:
6. Locked Up__     B. Frozen__     C. Hung__     D. Shot__

6. Is your computer plugged in? Yes__ No__

7. Is it turned on? Yes__ No__

8. Have you tried to fix it yourself? Yes__ No__

9. Have you made it worse? Yes__

10. Have you read the manual? Yes__ No__

11. Are you sure you’ve read the manual? Yes__ No__

12. Are you absolutely certain you’ve read the manual? No__

13. Do you think you understood it? Yes__ No__

14. If `Yes,’ then why can’t you fix the problem yourself?____________

15. How tall are you? Are you above this line? ___________________

16. What were you doing with your computer at the time the problem occurred?

________________________________

17. If `nothing,’ explain why you were logged in: ___________________

18. Are you sure you aren’t imagining the problem? Yes__ No__

19. How does this problem make you feel? _______________________

20. Tell me about your childhood: _______________________________

21. Do you have any independent witnesses of the problem? Yes__ No__

22. Can’t you do something else, instead of bothering me? Yes__ No