WHY PARENTS DRINK
A father passing by his son’s bedroom  was astonished to see
that his  bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw
an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed
to “Dad”. With the worst premonition he opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the letter.

Dear Dad:

It is with great regret and sorrow that I’m writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend
because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you. I have been finding
real passion with Stacy and she is so nice.  But I knew you
would not approve of her because of all her piercing’s, tattoos, tight
motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am.

But it’s not only the passion…

Dad she’s pregnant.  Stacy said that we will be very happy.

She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood
for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.

Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana
doesn’t really hurt anyone. We’ll be growing it for ourselves and
trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine
and ecstasy. In the meantime we will pray that science
will  find a cure for AIDS so that Stacy can get better.
She deserves it.  Don’t worry Dad. I’m 15, and I know how to take care
of  myself. Someday I’m sure that we will be back to visit so
that you can get to know your grandchildren.
Love,

Your Son, John

PS. Dad, none of the above is true. I’m over at Tommy’s  house.

I just wanted to remind you that there are worse
things in life than a report card, that’s in my center desk drawer I
love you. Call me when it’s safe to come home.

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University Grading Policy

Here are ways that college professors grade their final exams:

DEPT OF STATISTICS:

All grades are plotted along the normal bell curve.

DEPT OF PSYCHOLOGY:

Students are asked to blot ink in their exam books, close them and turn

them in. The professor opens the books and assigns the first grade that

comes to mind.

DEPT OF HISTORY:

All students get the same grade they got last year.

DEPT OF PHILOSOPHY:

What is a grade?

LAW SCHOOL:

Students are asked to defend their position of why they should receive an A.

DEPT OF MATHEMATICS:

Grades are variable.

DEPT OF LOGIC:

If and only if the student is present for the final and the student has

accumulated a passing grade then the student will receive an A else the

student will not receive an A.

DEPT OF COMPUTER SCIENCE:

Random number generator determines grade.

MUSIC DEPARTMENT:

Each student must figure out his grade by listening to the instructor play the corresponding note (+ and – would be sharp and flat respectively).

DEPT OF PHYSICAL EDUCATION:

Everybody gets an A.

TRIBAL WISDOM VERSUS GOVERNMENT POLICY

Dakota tribal wisdom says that when you discover you are riding a dead,

the best strategy is to dismount. However, in government they often try other

strategies with dead horses, including the following;

Buying a bigger whip,

Changing riders.

Saying things- like “This is the way we always have ridden horse.”

Appointing a committee to study the horse.

Arranging to visit other sites to see how they ride dead horses.

Increasing the standards to ride dead horses.

Appointing a tiger team to revive the dead horse.

Creating a training session to increase our riding ability.

Passing legislation declaring that “This horse is not dead.”

Blaming the horse’s parents.

Harnessing several dead horses together for increased speed.

Declaring that “No horse is too dead to beat.”

Providing additional funding to increase the horse’s performance.

Doing a cost analysis study to see if contractors can ride it cheaper.

Declaring the horse is “better, faster and cheaper” dead.

Forming a quality committee to find uses for dead horses.

Revisiting the performance requirements for horses.

Revisting the performance requirements for horses.

Saying this horse was procured with cost as an independent variable.

Blaming the horse farm on which it was born.

Promoting the dead horse to a supervisory position.

Algebra

Top Ten Excuses

10. I’m Sorry

9. My mom’s going to call you.

8. The printer didn’t work.

7. The computer is down.

6. I told you…

5. You wanted it today?

4. No one told me…

3. It’s not my job…

2. I forgot…

1. I was going to but…

New #1. My bad!

Top Ten Things You Can Do With Algebra:

10.    Get to the root of a problem
9.    Climb life’s steepest slope
8.    Learn how to function better
7.    Deal with the world on your terms
6.    Broaden the range of your skills
5.    Fight inequality
4.    Take it to the highest degree
3.    Improve your relations
2.    Maneuver through variable terrain
1.    Become master of your domain

Algebra

The Ten Commandments of Math

1.    Thou shall not divide by zero.

2.    Thou shall not put other textbooks before thee in math class.

3.    Thou shall show thy work; check thy work and confirm that thy results are reasonable.

4.    Remember thy test days and prepare for them diligently.

5.    Thou shalt honor the correct order of operations.

6.    Thou shalt not do thy math papers in ink!

7.    Thou shalt commit the facts of arithmetic to memory.

8.    Thou shalt do unto one side of an equation what thou doest to the other.

9.    Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy original problems; thou shall copy thy problems accurately and legibly.

10.   Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s paper, nor anything that is thy neighbor’s.

Algebra

The Mathitudes

Blessed are the  mathematical in spirit, for they shall see patterns and relationships.

Blessed are those who mourn over their peer results in math, for they shall be tutored.

Blessed are the mathematically meek, for they shall gain confidence with practice.

Blessed are those who hunger and thirst after mathematical knowledge, for they shall be filled.

Blessed are the slow and unsteady in computation for their calculators shall comfort them.

Blessed are the logical, for they shall see the beauty of proof.

Blessed are those who prepare for their math tests, for success will be theirs.

Blessed are the rational, for they shall understand fractions.

Blessed are those who do their math homework regularly, for they shall learn the most.

Rejoice in the study of mathematics for great will be your reward in life.

History of Math

• 1960s:
  A peasant sells a bag of potatoes for $10. His costs amount to 4/5 of his selling price. What is his profit? 
• 1970s:
  A farmer sells a bag of potatoes for $10. His costs amount to 4/5 of his selling price, that is, $8. What is his profit? 
• 1970s (new math):
  A farmer exchanges a set P of potatoes with set M of money. The cardinality of the set M is equal to 10, and each element of M is worth $1. Draw ten big dots representing the elements of M. The set C of production costs is composed of two big dots less than the set M. Represent C as a subset of M and give the answer to the question: What is the cardinality of the set of profits? 
• 1980s:
  A farmer sells a bag of potatoes for $10. His production costs are $8, and his profit is $2. Underline the word “potatoes” and discuss with your classmates. 
• 1990s:
  A farmer sells a bag of potatoes for $10. His or her production costs are 0.80 of his or her revenue. On your calculator, graph revenue vs. costs. Run the POTATO program to determine the profit. Discuss the result with students in your group. Write a brief essay that analyzes this example in the real world of economics.

Serious Math

Little Tommy was doing very badly in math. His parents had tried everything

they could think of. Finally, in a last ditch effort, they took Tommy down

and enrolled him in the local Catholic school.

After the first day, little Tommy came home with a very serious look on his

face. He went to his room and started studying. Books and papers were spread

out all over the room and little Tommy was hard at work. His mother was

amazed.

This went on for some time. Finally, little Tommy brought home his report

card. He quietly laid it on the table and went up to his room.

With great trepidation, his Mom looked at it and to her surprise! Little

Tommy got an ‘A’ in math. She went to his room and said: “Son, what was it?

Was it the nuns?”

Little Tommy looked at her and shook his head, no.

“Well, then”, she replied, “was it the books, the discipline, the structure,

What was it?”

Little Tommy looked at her and said, “Well, on the first day of school, when

I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren’t fooling around.”

School Answering Machine

This is the message the Pacific Palisades High School (California) Staff voted unanimously to record on their school telephone answering machine. This came about because they implemented a policy requiring students and parents to be responsible for their children’s absences and missing homework. The school and teachers are being sued by parents who want their children’s failing grades changed to passing grades even though those children were absent 15-30 times during the semester and did not complete enough school work to pass their classes.

This is the actual answering machine message for the school:

“Hello! You have reached the automated answering service of your school. In order to assist you in connecting the right staff member, please listen to all your options before making a selection:”
“To lie about why your child is absent – Press 1”
“To make excuses for why your child did not do his work- Press 2”
“To complain about what we do – Press 3”
“To swear at staff members – Press 4”
“To ask why you didn’t get information that was already enclosed in your newsletter and several flyers mailed to you – Press 5”
“If you want us to raise your child – Press 6”
“If you want to reach out and touch, slap or hit someone – Press 7”
“To request another teacher for the third time this year- Press 8”
“To complain about bus transportation – Press 9”
“To complain about school lunches – Press 0”
“If you realize this is the real world and your child must be accountable and responsible for his/her own behavior, class work, homework, and that it’s not the teachers’ fault for your child’s lack of effort…hang up and have a nice day!”